Kristen Stewart’s Face May Not Emote, But It Really Is Tired Of You People Bothering Her Privacy

With eyes that look constantly medicated and a mouth seemingly unable to crack a proper, teeth-gnashing smile, Kristen Stewart is not well known for her ability to display emotions. Not that this small matter has stopped her from earning a lot of money from acting, a job that requires fake emotional outpourings.

In a way, she’s an inspiration to us all because, if she can be a successful actress, then you dear reader, can fly to the moon simply by flapping your arms for long enough.

So how do we know what Kristen is feeling? Well, if we lean in and open our ears widely enough, you might just hear her muttering about something in a disaffected manner. This time, she’s cheesed off with all you pricks who constantly follow her around and bother her and her privacy.

If Stewart’s co-star/lover/bore-accomplice Robert Pattinson in R-Patz, then this makes Kristen something like Kristew or K-Stoo or something. As such, Kristoo is one of the most recognisable young people on Earth. Provided you read enough about popular culture that is. There’ll be millions out there who will look at her face and just assume she’s yet another girl sick and tired of printing off her CV and handing it in at American Apparel or Dorothy Perkins in the hope of a part-time job.

However, the public is the last thing this sullen faced drip wants to deal with, as she outlines, yet again, in the new [Insert Whichever Dreary Women's Magazine It Is Here]

She gripes:

“There’s no way to eloquently put this. I just can’t go to the mall. It bothers me that I can’t be outside very often. And also to not ever be ’some girl’ again. Just being some chick at some place, that’s gone…”

Gah! Imagine that! Imagine not being able to go to a place filled with hideous, farting people, all shuffling around and peering into windows, either stopping suddenly or walking so slowly that you end up devising crude and inventive insults to hurl at them or frankly appalling torture techniques to teach those shits a lesson. Imagine not being able to suffer that.

In addition to this, you are also very wealthy.

So what do you do if you’re a very rich but incredibly boring young person? Drugs? Prostitutes?The organising of death fights between homeless people? No. She wants to invest in the opening of halfway houses to help people better themselves:

“Anytime I hear that somebody’s really rich, the first question is ‘Do you do anything with it? Or do you, like, chill? You just sit on it? … Right now it’s the thing I feel most connected to.”

So yep. Prostitutes then.

Maybe she should take her riches and invest in some medicine that you can inject yourself with which results in a vague personality. Wouldn’t that be something?